I became quite familiar with the concept of self-sabotage through the many relationships I had been in over the years. Sometimes, the series of actions became so natural to me, that I foresaw the ending from the very beginning. As mentioned in Brianna Wiest’s post, Feeling Stuck Is an Illusion, she states that “If the first people who loved us also taught us that to love is to abandon, that becomes ingrained in our concept of a relationship.” And thus begins the never-ending cycle of believing the joy brought into my life is undeserved.
Except for this time, I truly want the outcome to be different…
“When we lose the ability or willingness to be vulnerable, joy becomes something we approach with deep foreboding.” — Brene Brown, Daring Greatly
Slowly, I have been reading (again) Brene Brown’s book Daring Greatly and the following excerpt made me realize how quick I am to rob myself of joy:
I DO THIS!!! I believe this is my first act of self-sabotage. I destroy my joy and happiness first before I seal my fate by destroying the relationship. It made me so sad to think that I limit the time I am able to feel joy and that I choose to reside within the walls of disappointment as a way to protect myself. What a terrible way to live!
For the first time in what feels like forever, I am allowing myself to get to know someone on a deeper level. A level that requires emotions that I have suppressed for so long out of fear of ever having to expose them ever again. I feel like I am coming out from hiding under the bed. There is light, there is hope, there is the potential for so much abounding joy and yet I crawl out slowly with my eyes still closed too afraid to enjoy what is right in front of me.
I want to treasure the moments I have somehow been blessed to experience, but then the feeling of unworthiness comes creeping into my mind and I tense up and shy away. I want to let myself daydream and be hopeful. I want to let myself live curiously and freely, not cautious and timidly. I don’t want to tell myself that I am getting carried away or that I couldn’t possibly feel butterflies for someone I barely know.
But isn’t that the whole point of letting go and embracing all that comes your way? You have to be okay with dreaming and having your head in the clouds! You have to be okay with jumping and hoping someone catches you! So what if you trip and fall? You get back up and you try again, right? You should see yourself as others see you, or maybe perhaps how you hope they see you. Living fearlessly and perfectly trusting in a universe that will love you for just as much love that you throw into the world. Sleeping through the night because on that day you experienced bliss for once and you felt secure. Texting a friend all of the details because you want someone else to revel in your moment too. This is what should be happening!
The only person stopping me from feeling that way is me. I am right there on the edge about to jump into a bright blue sea of unknown happy endings and then I jolt back in case it’s all in my head. But why? Why let the dream come to an end when I could tackle all the joy in the world? Why let my fears drag me down from the ledge? I want to jump. I want to get a running head start and then leap with everything in me so I can taste what it feels like to fly!
Tonight I choose to sit with joy and let it rock me to sleep. Tomorrow may be different, but hopefully tomorrow I choose joy again. But tomorrow will have to wait. Right now is today and today I feel joy. I allow myself to feel joy because I deserve to. I allow myself to feel joy even though it could still end in ruin. I allow myself to feel joy because maybe it is what I need to get me through the night. Tonight. Joy. It is what I deserve. And I kind of like it…